유학생 영어 미국에서 유학중인 학생입니다. 제가 영어가 많이 부족해서 연습으로 에세이를 써봤는데
미국에서 유학중인 학생입니다. 제가 영어가 많이 부족해서 연습으로 에세이를 써봤는데 아직 에세이를 어떻게 잘쓰는지 몰라서 많이 부족합니다. 읽고 조언이나 에세이 잘 쓰는 팁 주시면 갑사합니다 주제는 negative perceptions of tattoos and body piercings 입니다. I will talk about tattoos and body piercing. These days, many people have tattoos and body piercing but some people have negative perceptions about tattoos and body piercing. We have a variety of perceptions about tattoos and body piercing from country to country. Many people have tattoos and body piercing in America. Because they tend to not care about other people of external appearance. So I think they have a more free environment than other countries. But not everyone likes it. On the other hand, people with tattoos are not common in South Korea because they have a lot of negative perceptions about tattoos and body piercing. So we can see no tattoos zones often in South Korea; people with tattoos are not allowed to enter the place. According to a survey conducted in March of 1000 men and women aged 18 or older nationwide, 66% responded that it was bad or scary. But we can see people who have a lot of tattoos and body piercing on social media. When I see someone with excessive tattoos and body piercing, I don't have a positive reaction, but I think we should respect that person’s taste. But I don't think it will have a good effect on children. Because some people get tattoos or body piercing to appear threatening. I think we need to change our perceptions about tattoos and body piercing.
지금 작성하신 에세이는 내용이 잘 전달되긴 하지만, 더 자연스럽고 논리적인 구조로 다듬으면 훨씬 더 좋아질 수 있어요. 아래에 몇 가지 주요 피드백과 함께 문장을 자연스럽게 고쳐드릴게요.
수정된 에세이 예시:
Negative Perceptions of Tattoos and Body Piercings
These days, many people around the world have tattoos and body piercings. However, some people still have negative perceptions about them. Attitudes toward tattoos and piercings can vary depending on the country and culture.
In the United States, tattoos and piercings are quite common. Many Americans don’t judge others based on their appearance, so people often feel free to express themselves through body art. However, not everyone in the U.S. accepts it, and there are still mixed opinions.
On the other hand, tattoos and piercings are less common in South Korea. Many Koreans still have negative views toward them. For example, there are some “no tattoo” zones in South Korea where people with visible tattoos are not allowed to enter. According to a nationwide survey conducted in March, 66% of 1,000 men and women aged 18 and over said they thought tattoos were bad or scary.
Despite these opinions, we often see people with tattoos and piercings on social media. Personally, when I see someone with many tattoos or piercings, I may not always react positively, but I believe it’s important to respect their personal choices. However, I also think we need to consider the influence on children, especially when tattoos or piercings are used to appear threatening.
In conclusion, although tattoos and body piercings are often seen negatively in some countries, I believe we should try to change our perceptions and be more open-minded. Everyone has the right to express themselves in their own way.
에세이 잘 쓰는 팁:
주제 문장(topic sentence)을 명확히 하기: 각 문단의 첫 문장은 핵심 아이디어를 말해야 해요.
논리적인 흐름 유지하기: 예시 → 설명 → 나의 생각, 이런 순서로 쓰면 좋아요.
비슷한 표현 반복 줄이기: 예를 들어 "tattoos and body piercing"을 계속 반복하지 않고 "body art"나 "them"으로 바꿔보세요.
접속사 활용하기: "However", "On the other hand", "For example", "In conclusion" 같은 표현이 글을 더 자연스럽게 만들어줘요.
개인 의견은 마지막 단락에 정리해서 쓰기: 본론에서는 사실 위주로, 결론에서 자신의 생각을 정리하는 게 좋습니다.
채택 부탁드립니다. 감사합니다.